Saying Goodbye
by Kalyra Shadowdancer
Summary: Tobias comes back after running for a long time, to a town where he is a stranger trying to resolve his grief over Rachel's death. plz rr


Disclaimer: you know the drill, I don't own Animorphs (K.A. Applegate does), and I don't own the song (Jimmy Eat World does) etc etc and so forth. 

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There's no one in town I know You gave us someplace to go

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Velvet night had fallen. Streetlights dotted the edge of night's black cloak with pinpoints of light. Silently a red-tailed hawk swooped down to perch on one of the streetlights. Its keen eyes scanned the neighborhood before settling on one house. _So you're gone too. No one is left. It's like nothing ever happened. Like this was never a base for fighting off an alien invasion. Like we never existed._

He had checked every house where his friends used to live; everyone had either moved, or left, _or died. You're all trying to run from it, from the memories. Like I did. It doesn't work._ He'd never been well known around town, even while he was human, but now he didn't know anyone here. He was a stranger in the place he'd fought so long and hard to protect and defend, the place he'd risked his life and given up a normal human existence to help preserve. This was the last house he'd checked, hoping that someone had stayed, if nothing else to preserve the memory of everything that had happened. 

The house, so familiar, stood empty. The overgrown lawn hid several dens of field mice. The hawk's keen eyes could easily spot the tiny motions in the grass, but he made no move toward them. His eyes focused instead on a window on the second floor. Her window. The memories returned, of going to Rachel's house and flying in her bedroom window. The empty house was now a stark reminder that he no longer belonged here, but he had no where else to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never said thank you for that Thought I might get one more chance.  
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The hawk flew to the windowsill and gently tapped on the frame, knowing no one would answer, no Rachel would hurry and open the window to welcome him in, but for memory's sake, and because somewhere deep inside it still felt like she was still here, he tapped. The window slowly swung in. It was open. The hawk puzzled at this, perched on the sill. Then he spotted the cloth that had been crammed into the lock. So that was why they hadn't locked it. He smiled mentally. Rachel. 

Just thinking her name brought back a flood of memories. Tall, blonde-haired Rachel, her picture perfect exterior hiding the warrior inside. Rachel in bear morph fighting tooth and claw. Rachel in wolf morph, all sleek fur and sharp fangs. Rachel in cheetah morph, fast as an eyeblink, rangy and spotted; yet still with that recognizable 'Xena' glint in her eyes. Rachel morphing elephant. Rachel morphing crocodile. Rachel with her mother and sisters. Rachel doing gymnastics, Rachel sitting on a hay bale in Cassie's barn, Rachel arguing with Marco, Rachel sitting in this room doing homework at her desk with a red-tailed hawk perched on the chair behind her. RachelRachelRachel. 

Rachel had cared for him without pitying him. He hadn't wanted pity and she respected that. Rather, she just spent time with him. Soaring the thermals over parking lots together, doing Rachel's homework, and just talking. She had shared her life with him, her problems with her mother and father's divorce, her sisters, having a cousin as a Controller. Rachel had realized that what he needed was a friend, and that was exactly what she had given him. He had never thanked her for that, in fact he'd taken her for granted many times, as a partner in battle, as a person to complain to, as a friend, as… maybe something more. He hadn't even said a real goodbye the last time he saw her. He never thought that it would be the end. He'd thought once it was all over that they'd get another chance; that he'd get one more chance, to say thank you. To tell her he loved her. Before… Angrily the hawk shook his head. _Hawks don't cry._ he told himself fiercely, _I don't cry. I spent too long away. Without people. Trying to forget, to ignore it all. I thought I could escape. I can't. That's why I'm here. I still don't know why I came back. There's nothing here for me anymore._

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What would you think of me now,  
so lucky, so strong, so proud?

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The hawk flew from the windowsill and settled on the foot of the bed. His sharp eyes glanced around the room. Every crack in the floorboards, every chip in the door and walls, every claw mark on the chair and windowsill, every tassel on the rug fringe was just as he remembered it. They hadn't moved anything or changed anything. It was all here, just as it was. But for the layer of dust, he half-expected to hear her footsteps in the hall, and see her open the bedroom door and scold him half-heartedly for coming into her room without notifying her. 

So much had happened since he was last here. Much that he wanted to forget, some that he wished he could share with her. After the final battle, and his withdrawal from human company, Ax had contacted him. Ax was the only one he had trusted with a way to locate him. His grief, combined with anger at Jake and indirect anger at the others, wouldn't let him see them or talk to them. He was afraid if they tried to contact him that he would end up hurting them, and for the sake of all they'd gone through together, he simply left without leaving a forwarding address. However, he'd left Ax a message, telling him vaguely where he'd be. Ax was his uncle, and also his _shorm_, the only connection he hadn't wanted to outright sever at the time, and so Ax had become his indirect link to the others, at least, until he returned to his home planet.

It was Ax who had contacted him several months ago, with incredible news. He'd had genetic scientists assigned to a special project for a while, and they were finally ready to test the results. Ax had convinced Tobias to be the test subject. The scientists had given him a series of treatments, the rather interesting end result of which had been the joining of his human and hawk DNA. This combining of DNA allowed him to take either human or hawk form indefinitely, and acquire morphs from both. Unfortunately, the treatment did not work on many other species. Most DNA was too fragile to combine with other DNA, but something the Ellimist had done to allow Tobias to morph again from hawk form had given his DNA more flexibility than normal and the treatment had worked wonderfully. Unfortunately before the theory could be completely developed and refined, the project leader had died in a tragic accident caused by assassins loyal to the Yeerk uprising, so Tobias was the first and only person to ever benefit from the project.

_What would you think if you could see me now? Human again? That's what you wanted - a human. You liked me as a hawk well enough, but it IS rather difficult to carry out a romance with another species. I was so lucky… for Ax to be able to find me, and to test out the nothlit cure. Human and hawk, I can never be separated from the different facets of myself now. It has made me stronger, to have my hawk side available in human form. I wish I could share it with you, Rachel. You'd be proud of me, happy for me. I miss you…_

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I never said thank you for that,  
now I'll never have a chance.

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_Why did I take you for granted? Why did I let you go without saying I loved you or how much you meant to me, or even just goodbye? Now I'll never have that chance. Never be able to see your face again, or your golden hair, hear your trademark 'let's do it', or feel your hands again. Everything I care about has always been taken from me. Just once, just once I thought it might last, that I could have what I cared about, even amidst all the fighting and decisions and worrying about whether we were going to die, or doom the entirety of humanity to slavery in their own bodies. I'd never really had friends before I became an Animorph… it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and also the worst thing._

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May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.

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The digital clock on the bedside table flashed 3:00 A.M. The hawk was tired, his wings were exhausted from flying most of the day, and his human mind was exhausted from wandering the roads of memory, but he was incapable of sleep. 

/~Flashback~\

'Mommy, are there such things as angels?' the little boy asked from his position amongst toy dinosaurs and books, one of which lay open on the floor to a picture of an angel invisibly watching over a little girl.

'Of course there are angels.' The woman answered absently from her place at the kitchen sink, elbow-deep in dirty dishes.

'Where are they?' 

She looked up from the dishes in the sink, and met his eyes. 'They're all around us, watching over us. They live in heaven.'

'Where is heaven?'

She let the dish in her hand return to the bottom of the sink. 'So many questions! Honestly, I don't know.'

'Then how do you know it's there? How do you know that angels live there?'

She took her hands out of the soapy water and dried them off, then sat down beside him. He looked at her solemnly, eyes repeating his question. 'Because I can feel it. In my heart. Because some things that exist can't always be seen, but that doesn't make them any less real. Can you see the wind?'

'I can see the trees blowing.'

'But can you see the actual wind?'

'No.'

'Is it real?'

He tipped his head thoughtfully. 'Yes.'

'Then how do you know that heaven isn't real, and that angels don't live there?'

'But I can feel the wind.'

'And I can feel the angels.' 

He shook his head and looked up at her with his searching brown eyes. 'I still don't understand.'

'Some things you see with your eyes, others you see with your heart. Angels are one of those things.'

'Will I see one someday?'

'Maybe. Maybe not, but they're always there, always watching.'

'Always?'

'Always.'

He smiled. 'Someday I'm gonna see an angel.' 

She laughed. 'I'm sure you will,' she said and returned to the dishes with a backward glance at the boy, now reimmersed in the book with the angel picture. 

/~ End Flashback ~\

The hawk hadn't known he still had that memory. It had been buried for the longest time. He couldn't remember consciously back that far. He couldn't have been more than three years old at the time. _I hope the angels were there to take you away, Rachel. I hope they gave you the brightest wings and the shiniest halo, although you would have found some way they clashed and redesigned the entire outfit._ He smiled to himself at that thought. It was so Rachel.

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May angels lead you in.   
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in.  
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All this thinking, and being in Rachel's old room was triggering memories he'd thought he'd suppressed. Things he'd kept dammed up inside for a year and a half, memories of battles, and all the shared trauma of what five kids and a juvenile Andalite had faced, burst forth unbidden from the deep recesses of the mind where he'd shoved everything down, farther and farther. _We should never have been put in that position. We should never have had to make decisions on life and death. Even people who know what they're doing have a difficult time dealing out death and justice. You should never have had to make that choice, or that sacrifice. _

The flood of memories increased, and the hawk shut its eyes against it, whispering to itself, _Hawks don't cry. Hawks don't cry. I don't cry. _Something inside him snapped then. _But I'm not a hawk. _He drifted to the floor and his bird form slipped away, leaving a tired-looking boy of about seventeen kneeling in the middle of the room. '_I'm human.'_ The tears came, slowly at first, then in streams and torrents. He cried for himself; for the life he should never have led, for the father he never knew and the family he never had. He cried for the friends he had left, for the many he had killed, for Jake and Cassie and Ax and Marco and the end of the Animorphs, and most of all for Rachel. 

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And if you were with me tonight,  
I'd sing to you just one more time.  
A song for a heart so big,  
god wouldn't let it live.  
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__

Why did you have to die? WHY? Why did Jake - he cut himself off from that line of thinking. I thought I was past that. That I understood why Jake did it. I do know. You were the only one. Jake knew that. I know that. I still don't think I could ever forgive him for it. No matter how necessary, how explainable, how logical it was, he killed you. It wasn't just him though. I was there too. And all I could do was watch, knowing it was necessary, knowing it was inevitable, but my heart and soul screamed within me all the while. I am still screaming. Silent screams that echo through the emptiness inside. Losing you tore me apart, and I still don't think I can forgive myself. I've spent the last year and a half trying to forget, but it's impossible. I can't forget. I won't forget. The memories are all I have left of you. I'd give up anything to have you here with me again. 

After a long time the boy stood. His eyes had a haunted ancient look to them, as though he was much older than he looked. As though he had been places and done things and endured things that no one should have had to face. His eyes fell on a picture on the bedside table; a photo of a beautiful blonde girl with her arm around a hawk-eyed boy. 'I didn't know she kept this.' He whispered hoarsely. 'I always hated being in pictures. Must have been at that concert.' 

/~ Flashback~\

'I'm not so sure this is a good idea, Rachel.' 

'It'll be fun! C'mon… beats sitting in your tree all evening. Doesn't it?'

One look at her answered that question, but he was still uncertain. Being a hawk, and not being very popular even before he became a hawk had made him uncomfortable in major social settings.

Rachel looked at him, seemingly reading the doubt in his mind. She slid an arm around his waist. 'I'll be right here the whole time. You won't even have to say anything if you don't want to. And Jake and Cassie are going too.'

He smiled, and let her lead him in.

The concert was a mash of pressing bodies, heat, flashing lights and intense sound. His senses, sensitive due to spending most of his time in hawk form, were assaulted by the volume of incoming sights, sounds, and sensations. As if sensing his confusion and unease, Rachel tightened her grip on him. He slid an arm around her and squeezed back in thanks. Eventually they met up with Jake and Cassie who were with a large group of school friends. Rachel introduced him as a friend visiting from out of town, and they quickly integrated themselves into the group. 

An hour and a half after they'd arrived, he squeezed Rachel's arm and motioned to the exit, mouthing the word 'demorph'. Rachel nodded, asking with her eyes if he wanted her to come too. He mouthed 'no', but his eyes said yes. Rachel smiled to say she got the message, and he quickly excused himself and slipped out. About five minutes later, Rachel followed. She found him wandering just outside, absently singing one of the songs that the band had just been playing. 

'Hey, why didn't you tell me you had such a good voice?' 

Startled, he dropped into a defensive stance almost automatically. 

'Whoa, whoa, it's only me.'

He breathed and straightened. 'Don't DO that! You almost made me jump out of my skin! I thought I said for you to stay in there?'

'I thought you might want some company. Sorry.'

'S'ok. Just like, warn me first. This place has screwed up my hearing and everything. I'm not used to it all.'

She nodded. 'Sing it again?'

He glanced around quickly. 

'No one's out here but us.' She said. 'Please?'

'If you're sure.' He said, then began singing, almost inaudibly at first, then crescendoing into a soft steady pitch and volume. By the time he finished, Cassie came out to see what was taking them. 

'We're coming, just grabbing some fresh air.' Rachel told her. Cassie smiled a knowing smile and went back inside, warning them that someone was going to get suspicious if they stayed outside too long.

'I suppose we ought to be heading in.' Rachel said finally. He nodded and they made their way back inside. One of Cassie's friends was trying out her new camera and took pictures of anyone that moved, including him and Rachel. The rest of the night passed in a whirlwind and he didn't remember much more of it, except for one thing Rachel said before they left. 

'Sing for me again someday?' she asked, looking up into his eyes. 

'For you, anything.' 

She smiled and hugged him. 'I'll hold you to it.' She warned him in a mock serious voice. 

/~ End Flashback~\

_I never did sing for you again. We never had the chance. _'I'll sing for you now, Rachel. It won't fix anything, but I'll sing for you now.' Softly he hummed the tune, the same song he'd sung for her at the concert. Slowly, slowly the words returned to him, and he half-hummed, half sang his way through until he had remembered all the words. Then he sang it again. 'I know you're not here to hear it, but it's for you all the same.' He whispered to the empty room. 

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May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in.

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Suddenly he noticed an audio tape lying half-hidden under a sheaf of papers on the desk. It was labeled 'Tobias'. He picked it up carefully and looked around the room. If his memory served him correctly, Rachel's cassette player should be…there! He took it from its place at the foot of the desk, plugged it in, put the cassette in and hit 'play'.

'_Tobias. If you're listening to this, then I'm, well, dead I guess. Weird thought when I feel so alive, but anyways, this tape is basically my, I dunno, last goodbye if you will. In case everything goes wrong, in case the mission fails, I wanted to be able to say goodbye. I love you Tobias, more than anyone or anything I've ever known. It's so much easier saying this on tape than in person for some reason. I always felt, well since I became an Animorph anyway, that we were kind of... invincible. Like the 'good guys' on a television show, but recently its really hit me how human we are, and how vulnerable. Man, never thought I'd be using that word to describe myself. Go figure. But seriously, it never quite sunk in to me that we could die anytime, and it's only luck and good leadership and teamwork that's got us this far to begin with. Like, I knew it in my head, but it never quite…stuck, y'know? But if anything happens to me, I want you to know this, that I love you, and that anything that happens isn't your fault, not yours, or Jake's, or Cassie's or Marco's or Ax's. This is a war, and people die, even people that deserve to live, innocent bystanders and warriors alike. Don't ever lose yourself Tobias. Don't ever forget, and never lose your love for life. I hope you never have to hear this tape. I hope we get another chance after all this time of fighting and running and never knowing what could happen to us, whether we'll live to next week or not, whether we'll ever have a chance to live our dreams, or even finish highschool. But if we don't, then remember me, Tobias, remember me, but move on. Live your life, and don't dwell on this war and the aftermath. Live for each second, each moment, because life is precious. Don't let it slip away from you. Some guy in a movie I saw once said, 'Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.' I forget who he was, but that's kind of become my motto recently. Looking back on everything we've done, since Elfangor and the construction site, I believe we made our lives count. Even if it was a small insignificant bit that'll end up only as a footnote in a history book, or maybe only on this tape, I believe we made a difference. That I made a difference. That you made a difference. I only hope it was enough. Love you Tobias. With every piece of my heart. Tell Jake and Cassie and Marco and Ax I love them all and not to miss me too much. And Tobias, check out the bottom desk drawer on the left-hand side. The key is beside my computer. Goodbye.'_

Tobias sat, face grief-twisted listening to her voice. After listening to the tape twice through he found his feet and half-stumbled over to the computer and found the key. He managed to steer it into the lock and twist, releasing the catch on the drawer. It was full of papers with a few scattered pictures. Pictures of them together. Letters to him she'd never sent. He smiled and began pouring through them, then gathered them up, with the tape, and just sat for a while. 'Thank you Rachel.' He said, holding the papers and tape as though they were precious gems. 'Thank you for everything. I'll always love you, and I could never forget you. And I think… I think I'm finally ready to say goodbye.' He closed his eyes, sitting on Rachel's bed in a deserted house in the town where he was now a stranger and felt something resolve within him. 'Goodbye Rachel. May angels lead you in. May angels lead you in.'


End file.
